Hope Exercise

We moved to Iceland on September 5th 2022. I had big plans for myself as I always do. I was raised by dreamers and that seems to have rubbed off on me. This time though, I made the dream come true. Dropping everything I know and have earned, moving far away from my family, friends and everything I’m familiar with. When you dream you don’t think about the consequences after the dream is actualised, you just sit high in the cloud hoping for the best.

This morning I woke up empty. The holidays were full of love, family, laughter, and community. My sister came to visit for Christmas and the New Year and I didn’t know I missed my family that much. I’ve kind of withdrawn into myself since I moved here and emotion is not readily available when it should be. I’ve never really been lonely before. I’ve always had people around me either through school or work. But since I’m not working, adult human interaction is minimal. I was hoping the holidays would lighten my outlook, but instead it seems the hole has gotten bigger.

Elvar and I had a long talk the other day about what my future was going to look like. I don’t feel I have a firm grasp on my future. The depression monster (my husband calls him Jeff, but I’m changing it to Steve, because I love my friend Jeff and I don’t think that’s fair to him) that I’ve kept at bay for years is getting heavier on my shoulder. Its whispers have become bellowing commands which have become harder to ignore.

The voice gets louder and louder telling me a variety of contradictions.

“You should go back to bed and sleep for the rest of the day”

“You haven’t done any of the things you wanted to do”

“Weren’t you going to write today.”

“Nobody wants to read anything you write”

“Why don’t you just give up”

“You’re a big, fat, failure”

“Oh, and your ass is getting huge too”

And so on and so on.

As a mental health professional and also someone who has a great therapist, I have the coping skills to get through a time like this. I’m sitting down right now and getting something done at least. I got up this morning and I took a shower, I made a smoothy to get my stomach right after holiday cookies and cakes. I even did my hair this morning AND I put on regular clothes. My laundry is almost done and the house is clean. MY BED IS MADE. I even started a painting and ordered wallpaper for some rooms in the house yesterday.

See, if I sit here long enough I remember that I am doing things. I am working on my dreams. I moved to Iceland to get away from a toxic work environment, get my kids out into the world, get my husband closer to his family, and start building a new life where I can be creative and figure out a different way to use my skills. AND I'M DOING THAT! And I like my ass, huge or not. It’s a good one.

I used to run a suicide prevention group and one day we started talking about the brain. The brain is funny when it comes to happiness, because it’s not wired for that. Our brains are wired for survival. So, in knowing that, joy and happiness must be cultivated. I need to remind my brain that I’m in a good place and demonstrate that past trauma isn’t the queen anymore. The person I am right now is safe, she’s good, she’s taken care of, she’s amazing and awesome. Steve is going to get some hope today and that might shut him up for a while. It’s a ride, this life thing, but it’s doable.

Purpose is multi-dimensional. I’m okay.

M