I think we should breakup.

I was talking to my husband the other day and we engaged in a discussion about relationships. I had recently listened to a podcast with Karamo Brown (LCSW and Queer Eye guy) who discussed the concept of fear in relationship with Russell Brand (comedian/actor). The main point was this: When we introduce fear into a dynamic it often leads to dependency. This is why abuse victims can find it hard to leave relationships; the abuser manipulates them into thinking they won't survive with anyone else. Fear and safety become tools for manipulation, usually for the abuser to fulfill a need or distract their victim. When someone uses this dynamic in a relationship, it’s cyclic, sometimes framing the abuser as the hero in the end. Instill fear, then comfort. A classic example is the abuser who beats his spouse, then comforts the spouse with hugs, gifts, apologies (“I didn't mean it. I love you. It will never happen again”) until the next beating. And repeat. This also happens on a different scale, when the abuse isn't necessarily right in front of us. This also happens on different and emotional scales, where the abuse isn’t as visible or overt.

This dynamic messes with our ability to think for and help ourselves. We begin to doubt our strength and our ability to recognize our worth. Our rational mind begins to listen to fear instead of logic. We make excuses, defending the fear. Usually the abuser won't take ownership of the abuse, so they create an enemy (scapegoat) the victim can turn on (including the victim themselves #victimblaming). The victim can forget or not see that the real threat is right in front of them, actively causing harm. A common scapegoat is the "other." Something people aren't familiar with or understand. Leaders have done this for centuries, othered their own populace, turning them into an enemy in order to power-grab behind the veil.

In the Podcast, they were focusing on the relationship with self and parental relationships, but I took that conversation and applied it to our current political situation. In the discussion with my partner, I came to the conclusion that the US is in a relationship with an abusive boyfriend that consistently manipulates us and diverts our attention away from his misdeeds, constant negligence, and violence. He consistently gaslights us, making us think we are crazy when we're completely understanding the situation correctly. He never takes responsibility for his actions or words. He makes statements like, "I didn't mean that,” or "That was taken out of context,” or "I was joking when I said ‘Mexicans are animals and rapists.’" Didn't he admit to grabbing women without their consent? That was just locker room talk, right? Men can't help themselves, right? He was set up! We keep hoping that he'll change. Maybe he'll stop tanning. Maybe he'll listen to scientists? He's just surrounded himself with the wrong people, he's not really that bad. He's had a hard time. People are picking on him. No one has ever been this mean to my boyfriends in the past... Wait...

So, what do we do? Do we stay? Do we really think things will change? Do we trust that he knows what he's doing? That he'll love us and keep us safe, cuddle with us in front of a fire, tell us things will be alright? Take back all those racist/sexist/homophobic comments? Acknowledge that he's harmed several people in the past and take responsibility, like a good human? Go back in time when he was an active democrat and endorsed democratic policies? Maybe he'll love Oprah again? Maybe I'm the one who's done this to him?

NOPE! I've done the work. I don't need this to thrive. I'm so ready to get out of this relationship and begin a new journey. I don't believe the fear anymore, I love myself and my country more. I need my community, my support system to help me get through this. I'm leaning on those around me to help me remember our worth. We all deserve a leader who wants the best for all of us. Who wants every citizen to feel loved and honored. We want a leader who's done the self work, who takes responsibility for their actions and works to make healthy changes. This relationship just isn't working for me anymore and it's killing my country. We all feel it. The abuse. Can't you? We are entrenched in it every day. We all feel insane. Why would we want to bathe in that hate for another 4 years?

So, let's do this! Let's make sure to take breaks from social media and news sources. Take a minute to focus on our own personal values. I refuse to be a sheep. I have my own mind and I don’t believe everything I read. I’m conscious of persuasion. The change starts with a strong foundation in self love. Externalized hate comes from within, it’s a projection. Take a minute to sit in your own mind for a while, what do you really think? Let’s stop making fear based decisions and think about where the real threat lies (It’s not a color, it’s not a gender... It’s not the other). No matter what your political platform may be, love is universal. I choose love, acceptance and kindness. Doesn't that sound nice?

It will take time, but we need to start with saying goodbye and move on. We might need to go through a few more not-so-great boyfriends to get there, but we will. I believe we can do it! We are a nation of strong, courageous, accepting people. We have Brené Brown for God's sake! The people have the power. Take the time you need. Encourage others to stay safe. Support one another. HAVE COURAGE to go and speak up against hate! We can do this! We all deserve love and equality.

VOTE!

“Democracy cannot succeed unless those who express their choice are prepared to choose wisely. The real safeguard of democracy, therefore, is education." Franklin D. Roosevelt