One Step Away

One second, or maybe a quarter of a second.

The time between one choice, a huge choice… in hindsight, a life changing decision.

It was very early in the morning in a small Icelandic town (yes, random) and a one night stand was on the horizon, or so I thought. I was standing patiently with my “date” waiting for a cab. I had been in this situation before (not in Iceland) and it never ended well. Either in a disastrous night or a tumultuous long term relationship. I didn’t want to be there again, but there I was pushing 30 about to go home with a complete stranger to something I always regretted. As we stood there I started to sober up. It had been a long night of drinking, dancing, and I tended to get more handsy while under the influence. In my early 20’s the consequences were always in hindsight. This time, I had just been through a spot of hell and was fully vested in psychotherapy.

As the alcohol left my system my rational brain started shouting, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” My drunk female brain was saying, “Just stay where you are, it’s fine, not a big deal.” Then rational brain responded, “RUN, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO STAY, GO!” I started to step away and a cab appeared. I felt the hand of my date on the small of my back. I shifted back toward him, smiled, and got into the cab. The evening turned out to be pleasantly awkward, as my date was just as weird and easy going. We talked and laughed about various aspects of the night. We ended up spending three more days together going on drives and learning about each other. At the time we both knew we had found something special, but I left Iceland and he stayed.

I want to say that both my rational brain and my drunk girl brain were right. I was in a situation I didn't want to be in, but I didn’t want to lock myself away. You have to live to learn. There was so much information going through my head at the time, but I noticed a shift. I was aware! I didn’t owe anyone anything and my date quickly learned I wasn’t there for him, we were in this together.

When I got home I went back about my business, going to work, therapy, hanging out with friends. It wasn’t long until I got a message from my Icelandic friend asking for a visit. I agreed, probably a bit too quickly. A good friend warned me against it, “He’s probably a serial killer," She said. "Don’t let him stay at your house, you don’t know.” I mean, she wasn’t wrong, I didn’t know he wasn’t a serial killer… thankfully I'm alive. He came and went and it was lovely. He was so easy to talk too and everything happened naturally. There was never any pressure to perform or be anything other than who I was. One thing led to another and life took off. He was it, one of the best decisions I ever made.

I turned 40 this year and next year will mark 10 years after I almost walked away. I’m sitting in a small house in rural Iceland (yep, rural Iceland). It’s snowing outside and one kid is napping and the other is playing with cousins. We moved here after living together in Portland, Oregon for 8 years building a life. I never thought I would be back here, learning an ancient language and not owning any shorts. That’s the funny thing about life. We never know. We grow and make a series of decisions. Some lead to something good, some lead to something benign, and some to the worst possible scenario. But if we're lucky and survive, we learn, we change, we adapt and if we’re smart we use all those outcomes as guideposts.

Thanks for reading. Take care!

M