The Answer to the Great Question

My family and I are spending a few weeks in the Canary Islands. Iceland is very cold at the moment and I wanted some sunshine to recharge my batteries. My two children, husband and I have been traveling around the Island of Tenerife, enjoying the plants, wildlife, and beaches. The house we rented has a small botanical garden, which has made this garden witch's heart bloom. We've been exploring small towns and cathedrals, which (in my opinion) is a must see when going to any European country. I'm not the most religious person, but I love the beauty and thoughtfulness that was poured into inspiring devotion. My children, especially my daughter, have been taken in by it too. It's an incredible privilege to introduce my children to travel and all the wonder that comes with it.

Today is my 42nd birthday and as I sit here looking out on the ocean with my children snacking on chocolate (a lovely restaurant owner gifted to them yesterday) and my husband quietly drinking his coffee, I feel the need to think about how I got here.

I've worked hard in my life to get to where I am now. 42 isn't old in my eyes, but I've had enough time to live a life of meaning and I'm confident in my knowledge of the world. But I'm also still surprised by how I respond to the world around me. We took the kids to a zoo the other day. This zoo in Tenerife is huge and extraordinary. I was astonished by the size and wildlife on display there. I've always loved animals and there are times when I question if Zoos should exist, but this place was magical. I found my inner child coming alive and being satiated for the first time in a long time. I felt wonder, joy, excitement. I'm still surprised by the world and what it has to offer.

I came to the realisation that parts of me are still locked away, mainly for self preservation purposes. But as my children get older and I expose them to things, I get exposed to them as well. This past week I've been feeling things I thought I had lost to childhood. Years of emotional and psychological abuse by loved ones.13 years of my work life consisted of an employer that consistently blew my light out, so to speak. I came to a place of acceptance that true joy was lost. I let my light go out and proceeded to pretend to be "myself." But, now that I've had a year or so of healing, maybe I've been fanning the flame enough for the fire to reignite, and perhaps burn brighter than before. What a gift!

All those parts of me that I shut down over the years, those feelings I've disassociated from are tugging at me, telling me it's okay. The armour that I've packed on for safety is slowly falling to the ground. As my heart opens up I'm fully aware of my vulnerability. That's healing, right? Healing isn't strait forward, it's full of pain, doubt, shame. But as scars stretch, mend, and start blending in with the freckles, new things start appearing. It's all part of the journey.

As I go into this 42nd year, I know that I'm never going to know or be prepared for everything. The mantra for this year has been "Why not?!" and it's been a great way to deal with my insecurities. And maybe that's it! The answer! The purpose of life is to live it, to not give into limiting social constraints. Yes, we make choices and integrity is vital! What I mean is, the more nourished you are as a human being, the more you have to give! Maybe you are the answer, and the love you give to yourself can be shared with the rest of your world. You don't have to be on that journey alone! You can take your loved ones with you, carry responsibility with you, and allow the world to open up at your feet!

Excerpt from "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams.

Both of the men had been trained for this moment, their lives had been a preparation for it, they had been selected at birth as those who would witness the answer, but even so they found themselves gasping and squirming like excited children.

"And you're ready to give it to us?" urged Loonsuawl.

"I am."

"Now?"

"Now," said Deep Thought.

They both licked their dry lips.

"Though I don't think," added Deep Thought. "that you're going to like it."

"Doesn't matter!" said Phouchg. "We must know it! Now!"

"Now?" inquired Deep Thought.

"Yes! Now..."

"All right," said the computer, and settled into silence again.

The two men fidgeted. The tension was unbearable.

"You're really not going to like it," observed Deep Thought.

"Tell us!"

"All right," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question..."

"Yes..!"

"Of Life, the Universe and Everything..." said Deep Thought.

"Yes...!"

"Is..." said Deep Thought, and paused.

"Yes...!"

"Is..."

"Yes...!!!...?"

"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.”

I want to thank anyone out there that reads my little online journal. This is an outlet and some kind of weird connection I have to the world. And even if just my mom reads it, that's good enough for me. But maybe, you read what I have to say and feel more connected? Maybe you get the encouragement you need to keep going, to be less lonely. No one is ever really alone.